Dating With HIV+

Dating and HIV

If you’re HIV positive and thinking about dating, you probably have two questions on your mind:

Who do I date?
When do I tell?

Who and Where

Looking for a positive partner? Consider HIV focused support groups, conferences, or dating websites such as www.PozMeeting.com specifically for HIV+ people.

Or if it does not matter to you whether your partner is positive or negative, you can focus more on traditional methods – singles events, places of worship, dating websites like www.PozMeeting.com on-line dating/personals ads, or networking through friends. HIV status doesn’t matter? Maybe a combination of all of the above is right for you.

When and How

For many positive women, the big issue is disclosure. How and when do you tell?

There is no one easy or perfect way to tell someone you are HIV+. As HIV+ educator and humorist River Huston puts it, "Unless he's in a coma or you have a gun, there is no right time!"

Often, it's not how or when you tell, it's who. If a potential partner is going to find your status unacceptable, she or he may do it no matter what. And if that person is going to accept you and the diagnosis, it may not matter if you disclose before the first date or after the fifth.

There are two main approaches to when to tell:

Tell and Kiss

You tell before the first kiss, often before the first date.
An advantage: Less emotional attachment before a possible rejection
A minus: More people find out that you have HIV

Kiss and Tell

You wait until after a few dates when you feel comfortable with the person.
An advantage: No need to disclose to every date; more privacy
A minus: The "Why didn't you tell me before?" reaction

Is one of these “more right” than the other? Not really, it’s a personal choice. But while there may not be a right way to disclose, there is a wrong way…

Sex and Tell

You don’t mention your HIV status until after a sexual encounter, in the hope that by that time your partner will be emotionally involved and won't reject you.

Major disadvantages:

You can expose your partner to HIV. Not only is that morally wrong, in several countries and over 30 states in the U.S., it’s illegal. Even if you have safe sex, and even if the partner is not infected by the contact, it’s still illegal in many states and countries to engage in sex without disclosing. People have been sent to prison for this – take it seriously!

If you have unprotected sex, you’re in danger, too. You can still catch other STDs, Hepatitis C, or an even stronger strain of HIV.

Most people lose their trust in sexual partners who conceal important information. How would you feel if a date waited until after the two of you had sex to mention that he or she was married?

Several studies show that telling after sex leads to an increased risk of violence. Unfortunately, many women are beaten or raped after disclosing their HIV status. Why increase the odds?

HIV Dating Tips

· Have “the talk” well before you wind up in the bedroom.
· Have the discussion when you’re both sober.
· Read up on HIV and safe sex. It will make it easier for you to talk about.
· If you date an HIV+ person, don't spend so much time caring for him or her that you neglect to care for yourself.
· If you are concerned about a really negative or possibly violent reaction, consider disclosing with a therapist or HIV advocate present.
· Get advice from those who have gone before. Attend a support group for HIV+ women and ask others how they handle disclosure and dating.
· Be prepared for rejection. Sooner or later it will happen. Just remember – you got rejected before HIV for lots of different reasons and you survived that!

Other Positive Dating Issues

Some HIV+ women find it hard to contemplate dating because they feel less desirable or less appealing than HIV- women. Remember that there is much more to you than just HIV. Don’t let your status rob you of your self-esteem or your standards. You don't have to settle for being alone because no one will want you, and you don’t have to settle for the wrong person.

Don’t be afraid to have love in your life. Look for a loving relationship with a person who wants to be with you for you. Sex can also be an important and exciting part of your relationship. If you feel worried or guilty about the possibility of infecting your partner, make sure you know how to protect him or her by practicing safer sex.

It can be normal to feel ashamed of or embarrassed by your HIV status when dating. But if these feelings persist and prevent you from dating, or lead to depression or isolation, seek help. Find a support group or therapist; you’ll probably begin to feel more enthusiastic about dating and romance before too long.

1 Anna. (2000). Dating and HIV. Positive Voices 4(2).
2 Anonymous. (2000). Wanting to be negative. Women Organized to Respond to Life-Threatening Diseases (WORLD) 118.
3 Ciccarone, D.H. et al. (2003). Sex without disclosure of positive HIV serostatus in a U.S. probability sample of persons receiving medical care for HIV infection. American Journal of Public Health, Vol 93, No. 6, 949-954.
4 Reuters. (1998). Women with HIV put caregiver responsibilities ahead of medical needs. Reuters Health Information.